An American Reviews, Rates, and Ranks the Entries of Eurovision 2022
Capsule reviews of all 40 songs.
Previously the niche obsession of those of us who were gay and/or tacky enough to tune into its distinctive wavelength, the Eurovision Song Contest has made a push onto American soil with NBC/Universal’s streaming rights purchase and their sister program, the American Song Contest, which premiered in March.
I like ASC enough, but I’ll always be partial to the original.
If you don’t know, the Eurovision Song Contest is an annual competition where several countries (most European, some not) send a musical act to present a song. While the participating countries generally send pop songs, genres as varied as r&b, rap, country, heavy metal, and even opera have earned high scores through the years. These initial entries are then narrowed down in a pair of semi-final shows. As many as 26 will be selected for the Grand Final show, a three-to-four-hour event which culminates in a voting ceremony where the winner is decided via jury and public vote.
Eurovision’s claim to fame is the gimmicks some countries employ to earn votes. To appeal to as broad an audience as possible, participants often rely on spectacle to give their songs an edge on the competition and we are grateful for it.
This year’s competition begins the week of May 10, and with last year’s win by Italy (with rock group Måneskin), there are 40 new songs from 40 returning countries vying for the 2022 title in Turin.
For anyone interested, here are my first impressions of the songs —
ALBANIA 🇦🇱
“Sekret” by Ronela Hajati
Eclectic, alive, and leaves plenty of room for elaborate staging and dance breaks. Sexy in that borderline obnoxious way that modern Eurovision acts tend to be. What sets it apart is Ronela Hajati’s presence. If she can deliver on stage, Albania could be a contender.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 9/10 tacks (very tacky)
ARMENIA 🇦🇲
“Snap” by Rosa Linn
Heartfelt and competent, but it sounds like Mumford and Sons writing a song for a shampoo commercial. If middle of the pack is what they’re aiming for, they found it.
📌 📌 📌 📌 4/10 tacks (Not tacky enough)
AUSTRALIA 🇦🇺
“Not the Same” by Sheldon Riley
An “I am” song squarely in the vein of other, better self-love anthems. The lyrics are Intro to Songwriting with repetitive lyrics and unoriginal ideas. So it’s a testament to how good a performer Sheldon Riley is that his agile vocals and piercing sincerity place it among the best of this year’s crop of contenders.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 9/10 tacks (very tacky)
AUSTRIA 🇦🇹
“Halo” by Lumix feat. Pia Maria
As professional, competent, and energizing as it sounds, it doesn’t connect. Unoriginality is fine (see above), but then you have to catch the attention another way. “Halo” and its frantic rhythm and rushed meter seem like a misfire. This one has a lot of fans, but I just don’t get it.
📌 📌 2/10 tacks (Not tacky at all)
AZERBAIJAN 🇦🇿
“Fade to Black” by Nadir Rustamli
If Rustamli’s vocals are just as good live it could swing things in his favor, but the song as recorded disguises what seem like potentially impressive singing with overproduced orchestral ambience. Unremarkable.
📌 📌 📌 3/10 tacks (Not tacky enough)
BELGIUM 🇧🇪
“Miss You” by Jérémie Makiese
Intriguing, but a misfire. One of those songs I want to like because Eurovision doesn’t often do R&B well, but the recording is swallowed up by overproduction. Smooth vocals, but there’s no tension and no excitement to level out the somber tones.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 5/10 tacks (tacky enough)
BULGARIA 🇧🇬
“Intention” by Intelligent Music Project
After Måneskin’s win last year, you had to expect some more rock bands would make an appearance. “Intention” will not do well at the contest, and it doesn’t seem like it’s doing well with the fans, but I was surprised by how much I liked it. Criticisms that it sounds dated are rich coming from Eurovision fans, as the contest always seems like it just heard about pop music trends of twenty years ago twenty minutes ago.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 6/10 tacks (tacky)
CROATIA 🇭🇷
“Guilty Pleasure” by Mia Dimšić
I always want to support my people, but once again, I’m underwhelmed by Croatia’s entry. It’s simple, with a stringy flair overlaying its sweet pop sounds, but it makes little impact.
📌 📌 📌 3/10 tacks (not tacky enough)
CYPRUS 🇨🇾
“Ela” by Andromache
I did not connect to this one the first time I listened, and I still feel strange about it — because I really think I should like it more than I do. It’s catchy, well-sung, and the music video indicates some interesting staging possibilities, but I’m not on board yet.
📌 📌 📌 📌 4/10 tacks (not tacky enough)
CZECH REPUBLIC 🇨🇿
“Lights Off” by We Are Domi
Trying to divorce the song from its stunning, dystopian music video is difficult, but it’s got an infectious beat with sparse, impactful lyrics. The more I think about it, the more I like it.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 8/10 tacks (Very tacky)
DENMARK 🇩🇰
“The Show” by Reddi
Just looking at Reddi, I want to be a fan. All-female rock groups are sparse at Eurovision. But the song, while not terrible, doesn’t build. Competently done, but it’s middle of the road.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 5/10 tacks (tacky enough)
ESTONIA 🇪🇪
“Hope” by Stefan
Maybe it’s my natural aversion to country gimmick songs, but I am not vibing with this one like other fans seem to be. I think Stefan is talented, and I’m sure it will do well, but I don’t have a hankerin’ to listen to this one again.
📌 📌 📌 📌 4/10 tacks (not tacky enough)
FINLAND 🇫🇮
“Jezebel” by The Rasmus
Another rock song trying to capitalize on Måneskin’s victory last year. Finland’s track is solid, with a good chorus and the typically confounding English lyrics of many Eurovision hits. Very much of the moment for Eurovision, while sounding like a song from 15 years ago. I enjoyed myself.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 7/10 tacks (Tacky)
FRANCE 🇫🇷
“Fulenn” by Alvan and Ahez
A tribute to the “evil” women of witch-hunts past. As staged, looks not unlike the witch scenes from an edgy student production of Hamlet. A fun, moody song being described as techno-folk in the vein of Ukraine’s successful entry last year. One of my faves of this year’s group.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 9/10 tacks (Very Tacky)
GEORGIA 🇬🇪
“Lock Me In” by Circus Mircus
Easily one of the more divisive songs of the year. Personally, I’m a fan. What starts as a very low-key, dissonant rock-rap track soon becomes a quirky, melodic tribute to 80s new wave synth. These circus clowns have no chance in hell of winning, but I’m so glad they came.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 7/10 tacks (Tacky)
GERMANY 🇩🇪
“Rockstars” by Malik Harris
We’re gonna see some strong showings from the other Big Five countries this year (France, Italy, United Kingdom, Spain), but Germany will not continue the trend. This pop-rap hybrid (inspired by a line of dialogue from The Office finale, if you can believe it) sounds like Justin Bieber c. 2016 with shades of Eminem, and it’s easily the worst song in the competition.
📌 1/10 tacks (Not Tacky At All)
GREECE 🇬🇷
“Die Together” by Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord
If Lorde had Olivia Rodrigo’s voice, that’s what I think you’ve got here from Greece. This one took a moment to reel me in, and although I admit it’s polished and more competent, even meaningful than other pop ballads in the competition, I’m still not as head over heels as others, but I imagine it’ll grow on me.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 7/10 tacks (Tacky)
ICELAND 🇮🇸
“Með hækkandi sól” by Systur
As a fan of country music women, this country trio invokes the great vocalists of the genre. Their building harmonies and haunting, mythic track remind of the moody country ballads Linda Ronstadt, Dolly Parton, and Emmylou Harris recorded together.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 8/10 tacks (Very Tacky)
IRELAND 🇮🇪
“That’s Rich” by Brooke
With girl power vibes and catchy riffs reminiscent (at least in spirit) of Malta’s phenomenal entry last year, this song should be a contender. It’s got attitude for days, but it threatens to get monotonous in the middle. Maybe there’s a way to compensate for that in performance. It’s a good pop song, though.
📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 📌 6/10 tacks (Tacky)
ISRAEL 🇮🇱
“I.M” by Michael Ben David
I love self-loving queer artists as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by the villain of a gay soap opera. I could get behind it if the entire song didn’t sound so… nefarious. The song doesn’t know if it’s an anthem for being yourself or an ode to how its singer is so much better than you. I’m puzzled.
📌📌 2/10 tacks (Not Tacky At All)
ITALY 🇮🇹
“Brividi” by Mahmood and Blanco
I’ve been excited for this one since I heard Mahmood was coming back after his great showing at Eurovision 2019. Italy has a shot at consecutive wins with this raw and deeply erotic track. If Eurovision’s mission statement that music is the universal language still holds true, this song proves it.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 10/10 tacks (The Tackiest)
LATVIA 🇱🇻
“Eat Your Salad” by Citi Zēni
Some novelty songs go above and beyond to land with an audience and some are just obnoxious. Latvia’s entry belongs in the latter category. Its combination of veganism and vulgarity (“Instead of meat,” reads one lyric, “I eat veggies and pussy”) to convey its basic ecological message is more grating and puerile than poignant or fun.
📌📌📌 3/10 tacks (Not Tacky Enough)
LITHUANIA 🇱🇹
“Sentimentai” by Monika Liu
I feel my opinion of this one may rise after the contest. Its intimate feel doesn’t come across in the music video I watched. The recording feels sedate, and the song itself seems more suited to live performance. We’ll see. For now, I’m willing to be convinced.
📌📌📌 3/10 tacks (Not Tacky Enough)
MALTA 🇲🇹
“I Am What I Am” by Emma Muscat
Uplifting and spirited with a good performance from Muscat, whose talents seem buried in a standard and unsurprising anthem. The more I hear it, the less I like its adherence to cliché. Unoriginality is not a sin, but underusing a talented performer’s gifts is.
📌📌📌📌 4/10 tacks (Not Tacky Enough)
MOLDOVA 🇲🇩
“Trenulețul” by Zdob și Zdub
Moldova’s derivative and goofy folk tune is a smorgasbord of kitsch and ethnic pride. I’m sold. A celebration of traditional instruments and mindless fun, it’s not the first of its kind, but it promises to liven up a contest hijacked by derivative pop ballads and substandard electropop.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 8/10 tacks (Very Tacky)
MONTENEGRO 🇲🇪
“Breathe” by Vladana
It’s cruel to pick on a song in this contest when the English lyrics aren’t up to par, but when there’s not much else to talk about, lyrics like “The air is what they need / the air is what they breathe / they’ll die without it / it’s unforgivable” just seem all the more… well, unforgivable.
📌📌 2/10 tacks (Not Tacky At All)
NETHERLANDS 🇳🇱
“De diepte” by S10
I’m not surprised by how much fans have embraced this one, but I wasn’t sold at first. I think it’s because as good as it sounds, as competent as it’s been produced, and as emotional as it is, I still think it’s a little vacuous. It suffers from a lack of rising action. It doesn’t soar like the winning Dutch entry “Arcade,” whose success and style it seems eager to capitalize on.
📌📌📌📌📌 5/10 tacks (Tacky Enough)
NORTH MACEDONIA 🇲🇰
“Circles” by Andrea
At first, I was taken in by its intimacy and quiet emotion, but like many other middle-of-the-pack entries this year, it doesn’t follow through with any sense of drama or excitement. I think its content is personal, especially for a Eurovision song, but the song can’t escape its generic soundscape.
📌📌📌 3/10 tacks (Not Tacky Enough)
NORWAY 🇳🇴
“Give That Wolf a Banana” by Subwoolfer
Where Latvia’s novelty entry doesn’t rise above juvenile humor, “Give That Wolf a Banana” never tries to have an obvious cogent message, instead letting us live in the fun surreality of it all. It’s funny, but it’s not a joke. Sure to be a crowd-pleaser.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 9/10 tacks (Very Tacky)
POLAND 🇵🇱
“River” by Ochman
My initial impression is that it was an obvious, but effective imitator of Duncan Laurence’s “Arcade.” That didn’t mean it was bad, just that it was clear we’d heard this before. But Ochman is a great vocalist, and his stirring performance more than patches over the song’s lack of lyrical clarity.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 8/10 tacks (Very Tacky)
PORTUGAL 🇵🇹
“Saudade, saudade” by Maro
Another one I counted out before the finish, but its melodic tones and its catchy clapping hook (the song’s only real nod to gimmick) have me thinking about it more than other songs I initially rated higher upon first listen. There is something about its delicacy and simplicity that delivers. There’s a boldness in its subtlety.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 7/10 tacks (Tacky)
ROMANIA 🇷🇴
“Llámame” by WRS
This may be one where I differ with the majority, but I really, really like “Llámame.” It embraces its dated sound without pretending it is anything other than a loving retread of the Noughties sound. There’s something sexy and quirky about its hodgepodge of different ethnic sounds and energetic staging.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 7/10 tacks (Tacky)
SAN MARINO 🇸🇲
“Stripper” by Achille Lauro
At first glance, “Stripper” and its tattooed, flamboyant vocalist are an obvious nod to Italy’s winning song, “Zitti e buoni.” Where Måneskin brought an overtly sexual, but still masculine representation of eroticism last year, Achille Lauro vibrates between femininity and masculinity with sensual ease. The song is good, if not great, but he is a vision. Not so much a ripoff of last year’s winner as a boundary-pushing extension.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 9/10 tacks (Very Tacky)
SERBIA 🇷🇸
“In corpore sano” by Konstrakta
Konstrakta has drawn comparisons to performance artist Marina Abramović with her song about such pressing, but unpoetic topics as artists’ right to health insurance, mental health support, and the autonomic nervous system. The English translation of her Serbian lyrics are stark and to the point, but paired with melody and percussion, they sing with social import and bizarre, unexpected honesty.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 10/10 tacks (The Tackiest)
SLOVENIA 🇸🇮
“Disko” by LPS
I give this nouveau disco saga points for reaching for something different, more narrative-based, and more classic in its sound. It might be a little too classic and a little too dependent on its innate charm, though. Instead of serving up a win, it suffers from a lack of vivacity and dynamism.
📌📌📌 3/10 tacks (Not Tacky Enough)
SPAIN 🇪🇸
“SloMo” by Chanel
As confident a piece as you’ll see at Eurovision this year. Strikes the right chord with its dance-friendly beat, steamy vocals, and opportunity for a lively stage show. Instead of appealing to the fans of winning songs like “Arcade” or “Zitti e buoni,” Spain is aiming for the dance-heavy pop sound of crowd-pleasing Cypriot songs like “Fuego” (2018) and “Replay” (2019). Spain is a real contender with this one.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 9/10 tacks (Very Tacky)
SWEDEN 🇸🇪
“Hold Me Closer” by Cornelia Jakobs
Last year’s entry was not bad by any means, but expectations for Sweden are always sky-high, and it underperformed. “Hold Me Closer” is not just a return to form for the Swedes, it’s a Eurovision masterpiece. Maybe it’s unfair, even unimaginative to compare Eurovision songs to what’s current in pop, but “Hold Me Closer” manages to sound like it would be at home in any top ten chart. This is my personal winner this year.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 10/10 tacks (The Tackiest)
SWITZERLAND 🇨🇭
“Boys Do Cry” by Marius Bear
A for messaging, solid C for everything else. Sleepy and dreary, and that may be its purpose, but its lyric, loaded with clichés like “rivers running dry” and “crumbling mountains,” is not enough to hang its hat on. A track that shows so much restraint it’s almost repressed, which is certainly ironic given its themes.
📌📌📌📌📌 5/10 tacks (Tacky Enough)
UKRAINE 🇺🇦
“Stefania” by Kalush Orchestra
Ukraine never settles for the expected. This year’s entry is a rap-folk song that volleys between heavy-hitting verses and a chorus that’s pure lullaby. Given everything that’s happened to the country this year, it’s safe to say sentiment is largely on their side, but the song is haunting and animated in performance, and a win would be well-deserved.
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 10/10 tacks (The Tackiest)
UNITED KINGDOM 🇬🇧
“Space Man” by Sam Ryder
While the music video hints at a quirky gimmick, the song is a retro ballad with science fiction imagery and themes of loneliness and shared humanity. Plaintive, but spirited, sad, but hopeful. It has the potential to break the UK’s dry spell at the contest. If it doesn’t get them in the top ten for the first time since 2009, I’ll be shocked (but not surprised, given how badly they’ve done in the past).
📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌📌 9/10 tacks (Very Tacky)
THE FIELD:
2022 is a middling year for entries, with only a solid 6/10 📌 average (indicating only a rating of “Tacky” overall). However, the true standouts really do stand out. This is the first time since I started watching that so many Big Five countries have submitted great entries (again, with the exception of Germany).
PERSONAL WINNER PICK:
Sweden 🇸🇪
PROBABLE WINNER PICK:
The bookies say Ukraine 🇺🇦 by a wide margin, with Italy 🇮🇹 and Sweden 🇸🇪 on its heels. All would be worthy winners. Surprise, surprise: the UK 🇬🇧 is the bookies’ pick for fourth most likely winner.
MY RANKING:
Sweden
Italy
Serbia
Ukraine
Norway
Spain
United Kingdom
France
Australia
San Marino
Albania
Poland
Iceland
Moldova
Czech Republic
Greece
Romania
Finland
Portugal
Georgia
Ireland
Bulgaria
Denmark
Netherlands
Belgium
Switzerland
Cyprus
Armenia
Malta
Estonia
Azerbaijan
North Macedonia
Croatia
Slovenia
Lithuania
Latvia
Austria
Montenegro
Israel
Germany
The 2022 Eurovision Song Contest begins on Tuesday, May 10 and the Grand Final occurs on Saturday, May 14.
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The Red Sweater will be updated once per… let’s just say it’ll be updated once, periodically, until the end of time. It will cover developments in my life, work, and all the stupid little things I care about. More of my writing can be found at Medium and on my website.